Between Similar Sunrises

It was the first time outside her comfort zone. Outside her home which she had left only for vacations with her family, outside the reach of people she knew and loved, outside the continent that she had ever been in, outside everything that she understood.

As she lay down half-awake, blinking to adjust her eyes to the light of the bedside lamp, Shyna tried hard to focus her view on the man sleeping beside her in this new room, on a new bed. She rubbed her eyes and lay there sideways, her head resting on her henna adorned hands, looking at Sunil, wondering what was in store. Not that she did not know Sunil. They had been speaking with each other for over a year now. They had gone on a few dates when Sunil had come down for the engagement ceremony to India. They had even stolen kisses in the car. They had exchanged long emails, chatted on the internet till wee hours of the night and slept with the webcam on. They knew about each others' past relationships, about their bad habits and their weaknesses. Yet somewhere deep within, she felt a strange apprehension. Some fear, some anxiety, some discomfort. 

She dragged herself out of bed. Clad in a noodle strapped, knee length night dress she felt a sudden chill. She looked around for something to cover herself. The sweater she had worn the previous day, during the eighteen hour journey half way across the world, was the most accessible thing at the moment. The rest of her stuff were still packed in two big suitcases; suitcases for which they had paid baggage penalty since she insisted on carrying everything in her life that mattered. She had packed old greeting cards, albums, tops she had worn since teenage, all the cheap shoes she bought from Commercial street, stationery from her office that she did not want to part with and so on. She tiptoed lightly out of the bedroom to ensure Sunil did not wake up. 

As she walked across the hallway of their one bedroom apartment, she tied her long hair into a ponytail and paused to glance at herself in the mirror. This was the first time since the ceremony that she had gotten a chance to look at herself carefully. The vermilion in her hair had barely faded and the henna on her hand was still fresh and dark. She thought she looked funny. The sweater and night gown with gold jewellery and henna seemed like a fusion of things she had never imagined herself to be in. She felt grown up and lost, a bit displaced. She continued to the living area. The switch appeared to be in the ON state but the light turned on when she changed it to the OFF state. She twitched her eyebrows and commented to herself, "Everything is opposite in this country!"

She found the place a little too small. The printed cloth couch was too big for the small living room and looked like it had been handed down several generations. The dining table looked more like a bar table and had only two high seats. There was a large flat screen television with multiple wires connected to it. She remembered Sunil mentioning how he hooked up his television to his laptop to watch cricket matches from the internet and how he experimented a lot with his home theater settings and audio video setup. The bunch of wires untidily emanating out of the television were proof. She went into the kitchen in search of water. She opened the refrigerator, casually inspecting the kitchen counter over her shoulder. There was everything in the refrigerator, beer, juice, coke, other than a bottle of water. Holding the door open she looked around the kitchen for a water dispenser like Aquaguard. She didn’t find anything that looked like potable water. “Where does he drink water from? The tap?”, she thought in her mind. She gulped down some apple juice to quench her thirst. 

As she walked across the apartment she was apprehensive about adapting to the new environment. She had already started missing her spacious room with the balcony overlooking Ulsoor Lake, where she stood every morning enjoying a light cool breeze with a homemade cup of ginger tea and Good Day biscuits, talking to Sunil on the phone. She checked the time on the digital clock on the wall. It was 3 AM. She did a quick calculation in her mind. It was 1:30 PM in India. It was time for a lunch break at her work place. The sound of the congested road in front of her office on Airport Road; the pings from her colleagues to decide on a venue for lunch; the noise of her two-wheeler which had served her faithfully since tenth grade; her best friend’s constant chirping sitting behind her, complaining about how the new hire on their team was just wasting time on social networks, while she rode through the crazy traffic, filled her ears. She imagined her office cubicle to be occupied by someone new, her motivational posters and post it notes with her handwriting dumped in a trash can. Life continued as is for the rest of her colleagues and friends while she was the only one who wasn’t there. It was like someone had lifted a piece from a completed jigsaw puzzle and placed it elsewhere where it did not fit.

She seated herself on the couch behind the large windows of the apartment. As she looked outside into the dark at the snow-covered apartment parking lot, tears rolled down her eyes. The darkness and dampness in a bachelor pad which was supposed to be her new home, the unfamiliar smells and furniture made her long for home. 

She realized not only was she missing the familiarity of her home and office, she realized she was missing Sunil, his warmth, his smile, his voice. She reminisced their long conversations ignoring time boundaries. Wiping her tears she lifted her laptop that lay on the coffee table, logged in and went on to check her email. Ignoring the emails from friends and relatives inquiring about her safe arrival, she opened the folder which contained Sunil's emails. It excited her to re-read those emails they had written to each other in the initial stages of their relationship. The smilies, the new nick names, the talks about a utopian future. She smiled as she read some of the emails.

“Shy-na is so apt a name for you. No shy!” Sunil had written in response to her attempt of seducing him in an elevator. As she browsed through her inbox she found another interesting one that ignited some of her favorite memories. 

“I want to go biking now. I know its 2 AM in the morning. Don’t want to call and disturb you. But if you are awake come and get me, please? Please, PLEASE, PLEASE” read one of her emails. She knew emailing Sunil was as good as calling him since he was always on his Blackberry. She remembered that morning when Sunil actually came by at 3 AM with his bike and they both went biking in the middle of the night while the rest of Bangalore slept. She had bribed the watchman with hundred rupees to keep it a secret from her parents. They biked through unknown lanes and roads for hours, discovering new short cuts, racing each other, taking breaks to sit by the roadside and stare at the vehicle free streets that shone with moonlight. At the break of dawn they had tea from a street side tea vendor and sneaked back into their homes. Going through those mails made her feel better.

She browsed to her online album of photos to recapture some of the moments in the past. She ran a slideshow of their trip to Ooty. Photos with the office gang as they hiked and rode on horsebacks and paddled a boat in the lake. She clicked the “Next” button quickly to run through all the photos till she reached the one she loved the most. This photo where Sunil hugged her from behind, squeezing his hands inside her sweat shirt pockets as they both gazed at the sunrise, was her all time favorite. She was in the habit of viewing that photo again and again to relive that moment. That was the first time he had ever touched her. She wanted to speak to Sunil right then.

She picked up the phone and dialed Sunil's number.

The voice on the other end said, "I was waiting for your call."

"Hmm, were you sleeping?", whispered Shyna.

"No I was viewing your wedding snaps. You look beautiful." said the Sunil on the call.

"Hmm. I was viewing our Ooty snaps", said Shyna softly, her fingers clicking the next and previous button on the laptop to browse through the photos again and again. 

"You have not deleted them yet? ", inquired Sunil in a surprised tone.

"No, I tried.... I couldn't", Shyna responded nodding her head, sighing.

"So is this going to be our last conversation then, as you promised?" asked Sunil. His voice was mature, stable and assertive.

"Is that possible?" asked Shyna, her voice weakening as she tried to be firm.

"You want to go back on your words even now? I warned you, Shy"

"I know... I know", her eyes filled up again, "But what else could I do.. it was a mutual decision, right?" She sniffed to contain her tears.

"Right... and I would like to stick to my words. Delete me completely, Shy. We have to do it now. We have postponed this too long. It’s high time"

"How far are you, Sunil? Half an hour? One hour? I know somewhere in the outskirts of this city, right?" Shyna digressed, sounding optimistic.

"I don't live near you", said Sunil with a firm voice.

"I’ll look you up.”, said Shyna opening Mapquest. “It was some Chestwood Road, right? 212 Chestwood Drive .."

"You won't find me. Shy, I told you... don't do this. We have to move on now"

"Move on to where, Sunil? I married another guy who is exactly NOT like you!  I have to live with some other Sunil. All so that I could come here.. somewhere close to you!"

"That’s the point, Shy. You MARRIED another man. You have to value that commitment and begin living like his wife", said Sunil trying hard to convince Shyna.

"I am willing to live like his wife.. and I will. Just tell me how far are you... just so I know you are somewhere close by... "

"I am close to you, Shy.. very close to you and will always be. That's all. Take care and have a happy life. Love you. Bye"

He hung up. Shyna forced shut the flip phone, crying. She deleted the number from the dialed numbers' list. She stared at the folder titled "Ooty" in her web album followed by the folder titled "Wedding". She wanted to delete either one of them. She was tired of switching back and forth between the two Sunils of her life, between attachment and obligation, between longing and belonging, between passion and a new relation.

She knew it was wrong, right from the beginning. A relationship in office between a team lead and a new hire with an age difference of a decade was never going to be right. She initially thought it would be a fling, just an infatuation towards a man who seemed smarter and more mature than any of the boys she hung around with, whose only interests were bikes, beer, and cute girls. But before she knew it, it had crossed a limit that she had not intended for it to cross. 

In the beginning the relationship had been limited to coffee conversations about their common interests centered around technology, books and food. She admired his knowledge in so many spheres from politics to gadgets and his leadership skills that enabled him to handle any situation with ease and classs. She admired how articulate he was. His perfect pronunciation reflected his boarding school upbringing. He took an interest in her random questions that not all freshers asked and she went the extra mile to impress him. She would read tech blogs that he read and leave insightful comments that he noticed. She made an extra effort to improve her work that made Sunil happy, like putting detailed comments in the computer programs she wrote, a habit that most new programmers didn’t have. She would suggest eclectic cuisines for team lunches, and order books from the library that no one did. Her crush on him deepened the day he pushed her aside, away from the traffic as they were walking along the congested road back to office from a team lunch. She felt secured with him.  

Sunil was a reserved person and did not voice his opinions very often. But he observed Shyna closely. He would drop by at her cubicle once in a while to give her good feedback or follow up on an issue she was working on. He enjoyed teaching her things, whether it was an old theory or a new programming language. Shyna waited for those brief moments when he came by to work with her on her computer, sitting close to her. The proximity gave her palpitations. She fidgeted in her seat. She diligently noted down everything he said since she would have a hard time absorbing anything when he was so close to her. She had never worked so hard or sincerely in her life. All so that she could hear Sunil say, “Good job Shyna. Keep it up”. And once in a while he would throw in a few compliments about her outfits or books she read. 

The Ooty trip took the relationship to the next level. During the trip Shyna saw Sunil in his regular self outside the office environment, in shorts and tees, leading the trek and rowing the boat, swimming the fastest laps, and excelling in rock climbing. More than anything else she noticed his radiant smile and his willingness to help everyone. Whether it was first aid or a technique to do something, he was always there for everyone. And Shyna did notice him noticing her. When she looked towards him, he didn’t look away, but just smiled. His smile gave her goose bumps. Shyna was almost in love with him. Then came the morning that changed their lives.

They both were up early, much before the sun had risen. Sunil's thoughts and the unspoken words between them had been keeping Shyna awake. Sunil was up early to take a call with the clients in US. They bumped into each other in the hallway. 

“Hey! How come you are awake at this hour?” asked Sunil, surprised.

“Just wasn’t getting sleep. Thought I would step out to get some coffee and see the sunrise. My room is facing the west. So I was walking over to the lobby”, replied Shy.

“Oh really? I am headed out on a short hike to catch the sunrise as well. Do you want to join me?”

There was no reason why she would refuse. “I don’t mind”, she said trying her best not to sound over excited.

They set out on a trek by themselves. They knew the rest of the gang would not be up before another couple of hours. 

“What’s your favorite kind of sunrise music?” asked Shyna attempting to start a meaningful conversation.

“Sunrise music?!”, Sunil laughed. “I don’t think I have music for every occasion. But if I had to think of a song now it would probably be .. ummm.. let me think” 

“Mine would be Annie’s Song”, said Shyna intercepting, not giving him a chance to think.

“Mmmm, John Denver. Good choice. I like that song too. You fill up my senses like a night in the forest, like the mountains in spring time, like a walk in the rain..like… what was next?”, asked Sunil, squinting his eyes , trying hard to recollect the exact lyrics.

“Like a storm in the desert, like a sleepy blue ocean, you fill up my senses, come fill me again”, Shyna completed the sentence. 

 

Dawn had begun to set in. Hues of yellow and red were lighting up the darkness around them. They reached the edge of the cliff just in time to watch the sunrise. It was the most beautiful moment of her life. There were no words spoken. No noise in the background other than birds chirping. No light other than the first fresh rays of summer sun. No other smell other than the raw fragrance of evergreen forests. Nothing surrounding them but the beauty of the mountains soaked in the warm tones of the sun. No feeling but the feeling of pure bliss. She moved to the edge of the cliff and inhaled a deep breath. He moved a step towards her and put his arms around her from behind. Shyna was not shocked or surprised. She looked back, tilting her head away from him and smiled. The rays of the sun made her skin glow, her hair shine and her eyes twinkle. He smiled his radiant smile and looked away at the sun. Thus begun a relationship with unspoken words that only the mountains of Ooty were witness to. After several minutes of silence Shyna spoke, "Can we capture this moment to preserve forever?". That's when he took out the camera and placed it on his tripod to take the picture of the moment they loved to re-live. 

They returned to Bangalore and continued a relationship of an unknown future, of no name and of no knowledge outside themselves, their mailboxes, phone conversations and the mountains. Their relationship was unconventional. There were no expectations. They never admitted they loved each other. There was no expectation of having to meet after work, or having to talk on the phone. They never gifted each other anything or went out of their way to make the other person happy. Yet there was a bond that was inexplicable. They would meet to watch a street play, or a classical music performance. They would meet for a run in the morning or a walk in the evening to eat some street food. Sometimes Shyna would spend her Sunday at Sunil’s place. They would do normal things like cooking and cleaning, or read Calvin and Hobbes together or play Scrabble or watch a movie that they loved and then argue about their opinions. All they cared about was each other’s company. They never discussed marriage or a future. They knew they would have to face reality some day but they postponed those thoughts to later, to a time when there would be no choice. But in their minds they had accepted the fact that this was not going to work.

When Sunil's transfer to the US materialized, she was relieved that this was the chance to get over it.  The day the proposal for marriage had arrived after Sunil left the country, Shyna had promised to delete the "Ooty" folder.  When her mother told her the guy who was coming to see her was called Sunil and lived in the US, her heart skipped several beats. When she met the new Sunil, she came back to earth. Sunil was a nice guy, very much like her. Talkative, funny, intelligent. She liked Sunil and agreed to the marriage. But the mountains never left her. She divided her day equally between the two Sunils. The same name helped her avoid mistakes. The phone numbers were stored under the same name, she called them by the same name and she referred to them by the same name. Her life revolved around Sunil, sometimes even she lost track, which one.

Shyna re-captured the past year as she looked at the various photos. She had stopped crying and was feeling sleepy and tired. She closed the laptop and got up. She walked across the living room, pausing briefly to look at Sunil sleeping cosily in their bedroom. He looked content. She walked ahead to the balcony.  Dawn was setting in. Hues of yellow and red light were lightening up the darkness outside. She stepped into her slippers and stepped outside to catch a first glimpse of the apartment complex which was going to be her new home. When they had arrived the previous night she was barely awake. The first rays of the sun had begun to melt away the snow on the railings. She stood in the balcony watching another sunrise in a new country, in her new world. Suddenly she felt someone's arms wrap around her. She tilted her head to look back. Sunil looked down at her and smiled. He spoke softly, "Welcome home, Shy. Welcome to our home, to our very own.. 215 Chestwood Dr" and looked away at the sun. Shyna looked back at the sun, her eyes wide open. Her heart had skipped a beat. A bird chirped in the background. The fresh air smelled of a new land. There she stood with Sunil and the sun. In her new home. On earth. On 215 Chestwood Drive .....