A Lovers' Tiff

Carter returned to an empty house after dropping Sana to the airport. This time when he dropped her, he did not wait till she checked in, or kiss her goodbye. She had not called him back either to let him know that all was well and she had reached the gate for boarding her flight, her typical ritual. As he drove into the garage to park the car, he glanced at the clock on the dashboard. It was almost time for her flight to take off. He checked his phone to ensure there were no missed calls or messages. He slightly regretted not saying a good bye to Sana and fighting with her in the last minute.

Every time Sana left for her consulting trips, he hated getting back home. He hated the silence, the emptiness. As he walked into their closet to change, he noticed her clothes on the floor which she had packed and then taken out because of excess baggage. He removed the couple of strands of her hair that had fallen on the restroom counter while she straightened her hair with an iron. The fragrance of Dolce and Gabbana Light Blue still lingered in the air. He was a cleanliness freak. He begun straightening out the mess that Sana had left behind. Their voices, the argument in the car echoed in his ears.

“Carter, stop doing this every time I have to leave.”, Sana had pleaded. “You knew you were marrying a consultant. You knew I would have to travel every week. I asked you a zillion times before I said yes to this job. Now, saying such things ,when I am headed for a long week ahead, doesn’t really help, you know”, spoke Sana raising her voice more than she usually did. She was headed to a client on the west coast and it would take her the entire day to travel.

“Yes.. I did and I let you do it for four long years now. I am tired of eating my meals alone. Staying alone. Sleeping alone. We had an agreement, remember. That you would ask for a local project. Do you even freakin’ ask?” He sped past a yellow light as it transformed to red, his jaws clenching in rage.

“What the fuck do you mean by do I really ask? You think I love getting back to a hotel room alone everyday?”, she raised one eyebrow.

“Oh come on now. Don’t give me your hotel room bullshit. You guys don’t even return to the hotel room before 11. You dine outside everyday with your team, with those bunch of desperate bastards who don’t think twice before making a pass at their colleagues”

“Carter, I told you I stopped going out with those guys. We work till nine everyday. It’s all about being billable, and you know that. You have been a consultant in the past. I screwed up my utilization rate last quarter because of refusing to work weekends”, she spoke, looking at Carter through the rear view mirror.

“Never mind. This will never reach a conclusion. You go for your fucking tour and ignore me. One day you will return and won’t find me waiting, I am warning you. It’ll be over.”

Sana had stared in disbelief at what Carter had said. Tears had welled up in her eyes. She controlled them from spilling over to avoid smudging the dark kohl that outlined her lower lid. The tip of her nose had turned red, as a consequence of holding back the tears. Her ears had turned red in rage. They had reached the airport. She got off the passenger seat without a word and slammed the door shut. She walked to the boot, took out her black twenty one inch spinner, flung her laptop bag over her shoulders and walked away into the airport, her high pony moving from one side to another, her stilettos tapping the ground loud so her footsteps could be heard from far back. Carter had not waited. He drove away in anger, disturbed. He calmed down as he drove. As he approached their suburban house in Washington D.C. and the white garage door opened automatically, he regretted what he said. He regretted it enough to say “Sorry baby” in his mind but not enough to call her and say it loud. 

As he was finishing up cleaning the clutter, Carter heard the door of the house unlock itself. Noone else had the key other than Sana. He called out. “Who’s that?” pacing down the stairs. He heard the tapping sound of Sana’s stilettos. “It’s me”, she said in a slow voice. He paced down faster and reached the foyer. There she was standing at the doorway, with her luggage next to her, struggling to drag it in while she unlocked the door.

Carter was overjoyed at the sight of Sana. But he didn’t express it. He just moved quietly towards her taking hold of the long handle to help her with the luggage. “Leave it. I’ll take it in”, she spoke softly, his hands touching hers.

They looked at each other and dropped everything else.

They hugged each other. Sana’s tears finally seeped out and wet his neck. 

“I am sorry, baby. I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I said. I love you more than anything else in this frikkin’ world”, he said patting her head, holding her tight.

“It’s ok”, spoke Sana softly, sniffing multiple times to control her tears. “Let’s go in”

“But what happened? How come you returned?”, he asked as they walked into their living room. She opened her stilettos at the entrance of their house. 

“I quit my job”, replied Sana turning her head around to catch his reaction.

“What the ….”, was Carter’s first reaction. He paused and then smiled, “No you are joking.”

“Yes of course I am joking. If you know me you would know that”, she smiled and took his hand in his. “My flight got delayed due to bad weather. I won’t be flying out until tomorrow morning. So I get to spend the entire Sunday afternoon and evening with you”

“Thank God for bad weather! I get my wife for a few extra hours”, said Carter looking up to indicate thanking God. “I don’t want you to quit your job, baby. I am proud of who you are. But I do pray and hope sincerely that you travel less”

He sank into their brown sectional and pulled her towards him as she tried to walk away towards the refrigerator. “Wait wait, I am coming”, she exclaimed trying to escape from his grasp.

She took out a can of apple juice, her favorite and Carter’s most disliked drink. Everything about them were opposite, their likes, their natures, their cultures but yet they had the most wonderful relationship. She walked back sinking in the couch with him. They sat in silence for a few minutes as he took her in his arms and kissed her neck softly.

 “Oh look Carter.. it started snowing.” , screamed Sana in excitement looking out of their large rectangular windows. Snowflakes danced and landed on the soil of their front yard, settling down gradually. Sana’s excitement was the same as it had been the first time she had seen snow when they moved from Florida to Washington D.C. a few years back. 

“And I get to enjoy the first snow of the season with you, baby. It’s been a while”, said Carter.

“Yeah! Let’s make some hot chocolate with marshmellows and watch a Hitchcock classic. It’s been so long. Remember the time at UFL when you got obsessed with Hitchcock and we sat and watched one classic after another, back to back for three days. Birds, Psycho, Vertigo, The Lady Vanishes, Murder.. ”, Sana sounded excited. They had known each other since their undergraduate days. They had lived with each other and got married in Florida on the Daytona Beach at sunset, pictures of which in sepia tones, adorned the walls of their living room. “I’ll grab a blanket, turn the fireplace on in the mean time”

“No, let’s not watch a movie, baby. Let’s talk. It’s been a while since we have had a meaningful conversation with each other. I want to hold on to these moments. I wanna spend every single second talking to you, looking at you, loving you. So that when you are gone for the week, I can savor these moments”

“Aww… its not that bad. It’s just three week nights.”

“You have no idea what those three week nights do to me. I go crazy. I asked Paul for a medicine to put me to sleep.”, said Carter referring to his best friend who was a psychiatrist.

“What?”, Sana looked back. “You are taking medication?”

“Sometimes”, he nodded softly. “Paul said I need it. You can ask him”

“I don’t care what Paul says, OK? You are NOT taking any sleeping pills when I am not here. Else I will also start taking them”, Sana was angry. “Let me just call Paul….”

“No no please don’t. Just forget about it”, said Carter stopping her from getting to the phone. “I promise I won’t take any medicines. You are my medicine, come here”, he dragged her into the couch.

They kissed.

The fireplace had started warming up the living room. The snowflakes continued their dance outside. A layer of white powder had started to accumulate. The classical music station was playing softly in the background. Their contemporary living room in shades of orange and taupe shone in the afternoon light. It was a perfect Sunday. 

“It’s been so long since we spend such time together. Maybe we should fight more often. It makes it better, right?” asked Sana opening her eyes and moving Carter’s hair to the side with her hand. She always messed with his hair.

“Hmmm… very long, very very long” , he murmured softly playing with her hair, kissing her cheeks, looking at her as if he had not seen her in days.

“Ok Cart, I have decided”, said Sana suddenly sitting up. “I want to take a break from this hectic corporate life. I want to give up my job. But on one condition”

“Oh no no no…”, nodded Carter., “I know what your condition will be”. Carter was sure Sana was going to suggest having a baby.

“Let’s have a baby”, she confirmed his thoughts.

“No no no …. . That’s not happening soon. I’d rather you work”

“Why Carter? Why do I have to convince you so hard? We have known each other for nine years, we have been married for four. I love you , you love me. We have decent jobs, a good house. What are we waiting for?”

“We have lots of other things to do Sana. What happened to our MBAs? Imagine going back to school together and now compare that with starting a family”

“Let’s be practical, sweetheart. As much as I do want to get an MBA, I am not getting younger by the day. And we can’t wait for those milestones to happen without taking concrete action towards them. I think I have mastered the art of multi-tasking enough to be able to start a family and do an MBA together”

“Come on, baby. We haven’t done much together at all. We have to see places., do adventurous stuff. What happened to our goals of seeing the seven wonders of the world. We have just seen Taj Mahal and Coliseum so far. What about Machu Picchu, Great Wall, Giza… what about our backpacking trip through Europe? I want to escape with you. I want to go climbing mountains in Kilimanjaro, hiking the Inca Trail, diving in Great Barrier, skiing the Alps. I want to walk the Plaka in Greece with you,  smoke a sheesha in Istanbul, ride a camel in the Sahara. I want to parasail, air glide, ride a hot air balloon. I want to do sooo many things with you before I let a third person come between us”

“Third person?? It’s going to be our own flesh and blood Cart. How can you call it a third person? And noone has stopped us from traveling in the past four years, but how much have we had the time to realistically make those trips? There is always a schedule or a financial restriction. We ended up making guided tours to touristy places. Your goals are great, but they haven’t materialized”

“There won’t be any more restrictions, baby. There won’t be. Your mom had called today. She said that your life insurance, for which she had been paying a premium since you were a child, has matured and we get this lump some amount of cash. She said we should take it as a gift and utilize it. I am working on planning out two years of travel and adventure. I have started reading up TripAdvisor and talking to travel agents. We can take six months off and just see the world. Not through your business trips… just you and I. I promise. Just don’t leave me and go”, he sounded sad.

“Leave you and go?”, Sana sounded surprised. “When did I say I will leave you and go. I was talking about having a baby. Those medicines are messing up your brain, I think”

“No baby. Not now”, he said.

“Same old argument. It’s never the right time.”, Sana mumbled looking down fiddling with her nails. “You lied to me. Before marriage you said you wanted a daughter just like me. With my eyes and skin. Who would talk like me and whose nose would go red when she tried to cry. And now this whole topic of having a kid is a taboo”

“I have never lied to you. I will never lie to you. I will never object anything you say, you know that. Please don’t get angry, baby. Give me some time. I will think over it”

“Never mind.” She said trying to stop the conversation wondering how come he was trying to control his anger.  She got up from the couch to go to the kitchen and make some hot chocolate. 

As she walked towards the kitchen she noticed a clay jar on their mantelpiece. The jar was handpainted by Sana and was usually placed on their nightstand in their bedroom. “How did that jar get here from upstairs?” She extended her hand to get the jar. She didn’t like displacing things around the house. She was finicky about home décor. 

“Oh, don’t touch that Sana.”, she held her hand. “Leave it. It has something inside it. I forget what. But I had kept something precious”

“Ok”, she said and walked off softly to the kitchen.

“I love you , OK. And I will think about it”, he screamed out. “Maybe it is time for a little Sana”, he spoke to himself.

Sana did not respond. 

Carter picked up the remote control from the coffee table and turned on the television. CNN was on by default. There was some news flash about a plane crash. Carter increased the volume. The plane that Sana was supposed to take from Washington D.C to San Francisco had crashed. There were no survivors. The rescue team was still digging up bodies.

“Sanaaaaaaaaa”, screamed Carter. “Baby look. You said your flight was delayed. It took off. And there was a crash. It’s the exact same flight. United 7401, departed D.C at 1 PM on Sunday”

He was flustered. He looked nervous and scared.

“Are you listening to me? Baby”, he called out again.

Sana did not respond. 

He got up and walked into the kitchen. Sana was not there.

“Sana”, he called out again.

He checked the patio which had a door through the kitchen. The snow had stopped. There were six inches outside and no footsteps. He checked the laundry room.

He ran into the formal dining area calling out her name. He ran upstairs to check the bedroom, the closet, the restrooms.

Sana was nowhere. 

He checked outside. The driveway had been shoveled and the tracks of a car’s tires were etched on the snow. Sana’s stilettos were not there at the entrance nor was her luggage.

 

“Sana, where did you go baby”. He picked up the phone and dialed Sana’s cellphone. It went straight to her voicemail. He dialed her work number. It, too, went into her voicemail. Instead of hearing Sana’s familiar chirpy voice message , it said “This extension has been temporarily disconnected. Please dial 0 for operator”

His head had started hurting. His mind was blanking out.

He dialed the emergency number that the airline was flashing on the television screen.

“Hi this is Carter Jones. My wife, Sana Jones was supposed to take the flight to San Francisco … ”. Before he could complete the sentence the voice on the other line said “Hi Mr. Jones, is there someone with you? We have been trying to explain to you since the past five days. There were no survivors, I repeat NO survivors. Mrs.Jones was on the flight and you came and identified her body.”

“What the fuck are you saying? I think there has been a misunderstanding. I am talking about my Sana. Mrs. Sana Jones, spelt S as in Sam, A as in apple, N as in Nancy, A as in apple. The middle name is Patel. Sana Patel Jones. She is Indian. She is 28 years old and very beautiful. She just returned home after cancelling her trip. She walked into the kitchen to make some hot chocolate”

“Mr. Jones, please calm down. We understand your loss. Is there anyone with you? Could you please pass the line to someone else?”, the voice handling the emergency line was trying to be patient.

The door to their house unlocked. Paul walked in with some brown grocery bags.

“Carter, dude.. are you calling the airline company again?!”, he spoke aloud, hurriedly keeping the keys and bags on the side table and rushing to take the phone from his hand.

“I am sorry Ma’m. We are trying our best to control him. Mr. Jones is still in shock and is currently hallucinating.”

“No problem. Take care”. The line disconnected.

Carter was sitting on the floor staring at the television. The plane had blown up mid-air due to an engine fault . The rescue squad was still discovering corpses, most of which were body parts scattered over fields of corn.  He did not blink his eyes. His t-shirt was dirty, his beard five days old, hair disheveled, eyes swollen and red, his lips parched.

Paul sat down next to him and put his arms around his shoulder.

“You have to let go my friend. Sana is no more. She is in wonderful and happy place.”

“Sana is here, Paul. Don’t fucking lie to me. We just kissed a few minutes back. I told her sorry. I told her I loved her. I held her with my own hands” He continued to look blankly at the television.

The phone rang. Paul answered. 

“Paul, this is Mrs. Patel. I will be home in an hour.”, Mrs.Patel, Sana’s mom, had flown up from Florida to cremate her daughter’s body. The funeral was completed the previous day. That morning she had driven to the lawyer to finish up the paper work for Sana’s life insurance. Her voice sounded weak. “Is Carter doing alright?”

“Not too good, Mrs. Patel. We have to close the loop somehow.  The unsaid goodbye is killing him. I don’t think in his last hallucination he was able to close the loop either.  I am about to give him some more medication and put him to sleep”

“She told me not to listen to you Paul. Not to take the medication”, said Carter getting up. He walked towards the mantelpiece and lifted the clay jar and held it to his heart. The jar hand painted by Sana,  that now contained her ashes.